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Area Man Doesn’t Believe in Global Warming, Insists Bigfoot Works as His Postal Carrier

CHATTANOOGA, TN – Despite being in the midst of a hot summer with daily temperatures soaring to new records, local man Gary Burch doesn’t believe in global warming. However, he strongly insists that Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is employed as his neighborhood’s postal carrier.

“Look, I’ve read all the data on global warming,” Burch said, while positioning a giant box fan at the end of his driveway to counter the blistering 108-degree heat. “I just don’t buy it. But that mailman of mine, with his unusually large feet and all that hair – that’s a Sasquatch if I ever saw one.”

Burch’s belief in his cryptozoological mail carrier, who reportedly goes by the name ‘Bob,’ remains unshaken despite consistent 100-degree days throughout the summer in Chattanooga. He insists that the current heatwave is “just one of those things” and “it’s probably the sunspots acting up again.”

“Global warming is a hoax, just like the moon landing and low-fat mayonnaise,” Burch added, while fashioning a tinfoil hat to guard himself against supposed alien brain scanning.

The Chattanooga community has largely dismissed Burch’s claim. Bob the mail carrier, a friendly man of above-average height with a profuse body hair condition, is well-liked in the neighborhood. Despite the residents’ pleas for Burch to understand the realities of climate change, Burch remains committed to his views.

“It’s not like I don’t believe in science,” Burch said, installing a third air conditioner in his living room window. “I mean, I firmly stand by the idea that Elvis is alive and working at the local Burger King. I’ve heard him humming ‘Jailhouse Rock’ by the fryer. Now, that’s empirical evidence!”

With the mercury hitting record highs across the globe, Burch continues to deny the scientific consensus of man-made climate change. Instead, he spends his time studying the footprints left behind by his Sasquatch mailman and hosting neighborhood watch parties to look out for UFOs.

“In the end, you gotta believe in what’s right in front of you,” Burch said, blotting sweat from his forehead and ignoring the ‘Extreme Heat Warning’ flashing on his phone. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go water my lawn. It’s getting scorched by all this, uh… abnormal sunshine.”

As our interview ended, Burch was seen leaving a tray of ice-cold lemonade out for Bob, his Sasquatch mailman, making sure the legendary creature is well-hydrated during these inexplicably hot summer days. After all, Burch may not believe in global warming, but he’s no monster.