Area Man Doesn’t Believe in Global Warming, Insists Bigfoot Works as His Postal Carrier Uncategorized by illcrx@gmail.com - July 21, 2023July 21, 20230 CHATTANOOGA, TN – Despite being in the midst of a hot summer with daily temperatures soaring to new records, local man Gary Burch doesn't believe in global warming. However, he strongly insists that Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is employed as his neighborhood's postal carrier. "Look, I've read all the data on global warming," Burch said, while positioning a giant box fan at the end of his driveway to counter the blistering 108-degree heat. "I just don't buy it. But that mailman of mine, with his unusually large feet and all that hair – that's a Sasquatch if I ever saw one." Burch's belief in his cryptozoological mail carrier, who reportedly goes by the name 'Bob,' remains unshaken despite consistent 100-degree days
Constitutional Amendment up for debate Politics by illcrx@gmail.com - April 26, 20220 In light of the recent stability and civility in the United States a new bill is being introduced in the Senate, this bill is also being worked on by members of the House of Representatives so that it may pass quickly once the Senate passes the legislation. The bill is suggesting a new minimum age to run for President of 69 years old, there is no limit on age for when someone can run for President and this legislation re-iterates that. "The minimum age for a candidate to run for the Office of President of the United States will be 69 years and 0 months old. There will be no limit on age for any candidate for the Office of
Road safety improved by recent bill Driving Dry Comedy by illcrx@gmail.com - April 26, 2022April 26, 20220 Cities all across the world are following the example of Newark, New Jersey where they passed a law that decreased fatalities, road rage incidents, and speeders. The bill called NJ 220958 called for a ban of all BMW's and their drivers from the roads of New Jersey, and in the following year vehicle fatalities dropped by 7%, road rage incidents called into police dropped 44% and speeding tickets were reduced 30% "We knew this was a public good but we took a chance banning an whole subset of drivers based on their vehicle choice but we are glad it paid off" said Janice Dayton who helped pass the bill into law. The bipartisan bill passed unanimously even as over a
Santa Claus now has Covid Covid by illcrx@gmail.com - December 29, 2021December 29, 20210 A fat old man has caught Covid, his name is Santa Claus. Santa is 63 years old, rail thin and has type 2 diabetes which puts him into a high risk category. He is feeling fine, is asymptomatic and is taking it easy on the couch, he is used to this kind of attention at this time of year though. "With a name like Santa Claus I usually get some kind of attention around Christmas time, I think its time to change my name, I'm getting too old for this shit." Santa said while walking back into his home in Des Moines, Iowa.
Democrat Governor goes to the bathroom as Covid cases rise Covid by illcrx@gmail.com - December 29, 2021December 29, 20210 In 2022 Governor Janice Smith drank too much water, but Covid cases were surging in her state and she decided to do the cowardly thing and go to the bathroom. We asked on the street just outside of the Capital Building, What do you think about the Governor taking a bathroom break while people in here state die of Covid? Steven Gates answered "I think its a shame, she can go to the bathroom anytime and were out here suffering! The last time she laslo lsong oeyn" We apologize for that last sentence we couldn't make out what he was saying because he was eating a churro, obviously eating himself to death due to the chaos. A mother of 3
Horse in NYC unsure whether or not to wear a mask Covid by illcrx@gmail.com - December 29, 2021December 29, 20210 Cleidus, a 14 year old male horse in NYC, recently was transferred to a stable in the Manhattan area and is unsure whether or not he needs to wear a mask, when asked about the confusion he stated. "I asked about the law, because I can't read and don't have a phone because, you know, hooves, and I keep hearing that New York is progressive and has a mask mandate so I thought 'Do they consider animals people?'. Its a possibility so every time I go out on a ride with my owner I am terrified that if I run into a police officer they will ticket or arrest me for not wearing a mask!" The confusion for animals in New
Trump and Biden meet to discuss being the oldest Presidents Biden Trump by illcrx@gmail.com - December 28, 2021December 28, 202180 President Biden and President Trump met at Mar-A-Lago last week to discuss how it is being the oldest Presidents of the United States. If you are wondering why President Biden would go to Mar-A-Lago, everyone told him it was a Waffle House. "I would like to thank you for accepting my invitation to meet President Brandon" said Trump as he met Biden at the front door. "Can we get menu's?" Biden asked the Secret Service... "Sir we already ordered for you" Trump went on to ask Biden how it was being the oldest President and Biden replied "Huh?" As the hour went on, both men need naps at this time of day, but they went on to talk about how they both wish
How to tell if you have Covid 19 Covid Dry Comedy by illcrx@gmail.com - December 28, 2021December 29, 20210 When you begin to feel ill its hard to tell if you should get a Covid test, the common cold, the flu and Covid all start the same way. You feeling bad, a temperature and maybe some body aches. We have a few quick and easy ways of you tell if you have Covid! But first lets see if you are at risk for getting Covid. Have you been to a location where another human being was within 6 feet of you? Was a dog within 6 feet of you, how about a cat? How about a bat? Did anyone sneeze or talk loudly? Were there people not wearing their masks, did everyone wear their masks? If you answered YES to